Eurovision 2101

Posted in Eurovision by Tony C on May 31, 2010

The annual festival of high camp and low culture sees the Norwegians spending huge amounts of money they probably don’t have, one can only imagine the Greeks must have breathed a huge sigh of relief they didn’t win last year.  Graham Norton stepped into Sir Terry of Wogan’s shoes last year with some aplomb but he was much more low key this year. 

01 Azerbaijan

First transparent back lit number of the night.  Heath and safety must  have had words about the steps.  Pointless dancing bloke. Big, belting attempt at R&B, not bad as Eurovision numbers go.  5th.  145 points.

02 Spain

Leo Sayer’s son has a bunch of dancers dressed as toys prancing about whilst singing about ‘something tiny’.  The repeat due to a member of the audience becoming part of the act didn’t make it any better.  A flattering 15th.  68 points.

03 Norway

Better than their winner from 2009.  One of the clones this year. Il Divo wannabe let down by the librettist as musically not the evenings worst.   Who could have predicted the key change and fireworks?  Not as bad as position suggests.  20th.  35 points.

04 Moldova

Electro Pop Eurofodder.  If in doubt ‘groin pump’’.  Blokes look like time travelling 80’s hair dressers accompanied by fetish ballet dancer meets Pris from Bladerunner.  A deserving 22nd.  27 points.

05 Cyprus


Bringing in an Irish ringer didn’t help.  With all the gaffer tape it looks like his guitar was broken on the flight over.  Dull.  Surprise, surprise; 12 points from Greece.  Another deserving result at 21st.   27 points.

06 Bosnia and Herzegovina


Backing singers in grey.  Him in Red Harry Potter logo jacket, self love in evidence too.  Predictable as only a Euro Rock power ballad can be and why put the guitar down after making such a song and dance about it.  17th.  15 points.

07 Belgium

Jack Johnson without the Jack or the Johnson.  Musically like the country as everyone travels through it to get somewhere else.  There is no god as this was 6th.  143 points.

08 Serbia

Botox, cheek implants and a hair cut from his mum.  Faux Spinal Tap tubes.  More pointless bloke dancers.  Strippers hired to make up the numbers.  Musically regional and what Eurovision is and should be about.  Mid table is about right at 13th.  72 points.

09 Belarus

Robert Wells turns out to be Swedish, go figure.  Another clone.  Attractive backing singers didn’t move because they sprouted wings.  Not a great song. Deserved better just for the mechanical apparel.  24th.  18 points.

10 Ireland

Previous winner although you’d never know.  By the numbers Irish ballad with the pipes nailing the stereotype.  Should have taken up Justin Collins on his better offer.  Super glued to the floor for some reason.  Has Europe fallen out of love with the ex Eurovision power house?  23rd.  25 points.

11 Greece

As usual the Greeks buck the events musical trend.  Bound to haunt the dance floors of Club Med for at least a week.  The usual scantly clad lovelies were absent due to obvious budget constraints leaving us with blokes in white boiler suits and black boots.  Still a very flattering and economy saving 8th.  140 points. 

12 United Kingdom

A surprisingly weak Stock and Waterman offering.  Another male clone who on a different night might have done better.  Not helped by flat backing singers and ho-hum staging.  Not a great song but didn’t deserve last place. 25th.  10 points.

13 Georgia

The wind machine makes it’s self know for the first time.  Hugely over staged cookie cutter ballad with lots of big gob singing.  She even winked at the camera.  One observer asked if she had a ‘tash!  A block vote 9th.  136 points.

14 Turkey

Big in Europe, apparently.  Another Euro rock cliché.  Lot’s of PVC.  Mrs Stig with an angle grinder for some reason.  Enough strobe lights to give us all photo sensitive epilepsy.  The world has obviously gone wrong at 2nd.  170 points.

15 Albania

A few bars of Muse then she wants to be Alison Goldfrapp but soon proves it’s just a run of mill disco number.  Odd costume and odder Charlie’s Angels hair.  Lower mid table about right at 16th.  62 points.

16 Iceland

A big as volcano with a dress to match. Why a French title we’re never told.  Remember the spaceport scene from Total Recall.   Recognise anyone?  It also seems Kerry Katona has found a new job as a backing singer.  19th.  41 points.

17 Ukraine


Monk cape can’t disguise the fact the dress lets through more light than a plate glass window.  Musically better than the down beat lyrics.  Her lonely stage presence suggests they blew the budget last year.  Block voting made it 10th.  108 points.

18 France

Lowest denominator lyric mixed with half price world cup anthem as our Gallic chums cleverly try to shoe in one song for two events.   Lots of booty shaking can’t hide the barrel scraping.   Should have done a lot worse, a thoroughly undeserved 12th.  82 points.

19 Romania

Perspex double piano not as impressive upon closer inspection.  Catchy number with hint of opera.  On balance probably the best of the evening and should have won for the leather cat suit alone.  Not enough block vote buddies at 3rd.  162 points.

20 Russia

Lost and Forgotten?  Let’s hope so.  Dragged from a Moscow vodka den and pushed on stage at the last minute.  Budget so constrained couldn’t even manage the cost of the photo he was warbling on about.  Something very fishy as it was 11th.  90 points.

21 Armenia

Bolted in bustier then skimped on the jeans and shoes.  Thought the prop was a giant clam not a genetically modified apricot.  Lord of Rings pretensions.  Upper table position about right at 7th.  141 points.

22 Germany

Hint of Avril Lavigne, drop of Bjork then diluted enough to make a Homoeopathist happy.  Weak pop song propped with early hook that always does well at Eurovision.  With Germany bankrolling much of the Euro Zone votes more of a thank you for that rather than Lena.  It shouldn’t have but was 1st. 246 points.

23 Portugal

They’ve never won Eurovision and this continues that tradition.  Leona Lewis cast off.  Great dress but concentrating on the frock rather than the song was a mistake.  One of the evening’s weaker efforts that is flattered by 18th.  43 points.


One of a number of clones built from the DNA of the bloke from Norway.  A thankfully short number that started dull and rose to a crescendo of dull.  The far end of the Med usually sends much better than this.  Ten places more than is deserved at 14th.  71 points.

25 Denmark

Sting will be consulting his lawyer about the opening melody.  She blundered through the start and he looked like the lost member of a 80’s prog rock band.  Monster heels  and still she only looked where his gold medallion might have been.  More predictable wind machine and fireworks.  Fortunately not long enough to have anyone killed.  More evidence for the lack of a deity at 4th.  149 points.

Overall not up to the usual high camp we’ve come to expect with Eurovision and aficionados might even call it a little dull, who’d have guessed the economic gloom across Europe would have been reflected in the largely cut price offerings the various members sent to Oslo.  Still it didn’t stop the usual block votes and the predictable twelve points for the diaspora next door.  Makes you almost wish for Lordi. 

2 Responses

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  1. Darren said, on May 31, 2010 at 6:37 pm

    Usually I’d blame the next-door-neighbour buddy voting, and it’s a bit of a swizz that the German entry was already a hit across Europe… but our offering was weak so we never got out of the blocks.

    I don’t get it with the former Yugoslav nations – 15 years ago they were hell-bent on murdering each-other. Now they pick up the phone for a Balkan sing-along.

  2. Frank said, on June 1, 2010 at 11:54 am

    The winner this year was Madcon with Glow and all the people around Europe in the “flash mob” 🙂

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