Eurovision 2011.

Once again the Continent comes together in a mash up of Euro pop musical clones, obscure cultural references and the downright camp.  And that’s just the presenters.  One of them is apparently a comedian but you’d never guess.  The venue was hugely impressive and the Germans must have bankrupted the city of Dusseldorf to convert it from a football venue to one filled with cheering, flag waving Eurovision fans.  Don’t worry they took the grass up.  Here’s how the runners and riders fared.

	Finland	Low rent Bruno Mars/Olly Murs rip off if you can possibly imagine such a thing with added eco nonsense. Lyrics thin hence the title “Da da dam”.  Going first is a tough. Poor lad.  A well deserved 21st.
	Bosnia and Herzegovina	Dull and musically pointless made all the more bizarre by the pseudo ‘street’ trumpet player. The lead singer was strumming away on a nice Gretsch though; faux strumming mind as the piano player proved Eurovision is live singing against a backing track.  How this got 6th is a puzzle that will vex Eurovision watchers for years to come.
	Denmark	Speaking of singing the Danes were the first who didn’t sound flat although going for a black leather meets McFly clone lacked originality.   Nod to Jedward with the hair.  5th was probably about right.
	Lithuania	This Andrew Lloyd-Webber inspired number, they must have seen his effort a few years ago and mistakenly thought ‘Yeah’, included dry ice and a white piano.  It was as average as the 19th place suggests.
	Hungary	The Vizslas were disappointed by the tall blonde in a blue dress that must have been sewed together about tens minutes before going on stage.  The dress not her.  She’d been listening to Celine Dion to be sure but the dancers at the back must have wandered in from next door.  22nd was maybe a little harsh but not much.
	Ireland	All the energy, daft shoulder pads and dafter hair can’t hid the fact Jedward are poor even by Eurovision standards.  We for some reason I can’t fathom gave them 12 points.  And no they can’t sing either.  An overly generous 8th.
	Sweden	Even Justin Bieber won’t be threatened by this.  Staging included a glass box which many must have hope included a hidden gas dispenser.  Maybe the singer was a fan of David Copperfield.  3rd was very, very flattering.
	Estonia	Another copy cat, this time Katy Perry.  Really not sure what the London Eye was doing in the staging.  By Eurovision historical standards a solid effort but oddly ignored by the voters and stuck at 24th.
	Greece	Now the Greeks often go large but not his year as the entry reflected their struggling economy.  Confused and reliant on outside influences.  Rapper meets ballad, burger meets kebab.  Too generous by half at 7th .
	Russia	Unoriginal but entertaining nevertheless.  New Kids on the Block are obviously still popular in ex communist countries.  Leather jackets and an electrocution from the embroidered LEDs avoided.  Mid table 16th.
	France	No idea why this was the favourite as opera probably isn’t a big Eurovision staple.  He had a great voice but there’s a time an a place and this wasn’t it.  The voters of Europe thought so too.  15th.
	Italy	More French than Italian in a jazz sort of way.  One of the evenings better offerings by some way and probably deserved 2nd.
	Switzerland	Didn’t really work Eurovision wise although but the standards of the rest evening not that bad.  Run out of lyrics like the Finns.  It’s an upside down competition when this kind of effort only gets 25th.
	United Kingdom	"I Can"…sorry lads you can’t but not as bad as you might think.  Any other country offering up Blue would have done better and after we gave the Irish 12 points reciprocation was the least we could expect.  Alas not.  11th was better than many expected history being what it is.
	Moldova	Now we’re talking Eurovision.  Pointy hats, bouncy tune and a women on a unicycle.  A dash of the Chillies and the B52s.  Just for the hats alone they should have done better than 12th.
	Germany	Last years winners tries for a double.  The locals obviously love Lena but this attempt at musical sophistication was somewhat diluted by the dancers in silver wet suits.  Woody Allen is suing I’m sure.  Not bad so 10th.
	Romania	They could sing and a few people in the audience were undoubtedly tapping their feet.  Included Mel and Kim tribute dancers with trumpets.  Not half bad by Eurovision standards.  A puzzling 17th.
	Austria	An attempt at a power ballad that was rather weak.  Jessie J haircut and shoes.  18th looks about right.
	Azerbaijan	He can (on occasion) but she definitely can’t.  Flat, insipid and generally awful.  Proof as to why Eurovision still confuses the British even thought one of them lives here.  If the 6th placed Bosnians is a head scratcher this will take someone with the conundrum solving skills of Fermat’s Last Theorem to tell us why this was 1st. Even flatter when they had to sing again.
	Slovenia	The best of the night from the demi Zena clad singer.  Even the backing singers have some vocal chops.  Superior in every way to the Azerbaijan effort but seems no one apart from me and the rest of the Balkans agreed.  13th was just wrong.
	Iceland	A weird pub band, Take That, Mumford and Sons experiment that sort of worked.  A travesty that it only managed 20th.
	Spain	The usual typical Spanish offering.  Bubbly Iberian pop.  Criminally ignored at 23rd.
	Ukraine	The sand painting distracted from what was a passable Euro ballad.  Not sure what the feather shoulder pads was about but at least she could sing but not sure it deserved 4th however.
	Serbia	A surprisingly good retro 60’s inspired number right down to the haircuts and costumes.  Not I wager particularly Serbian but certainly one of the better acts.  A mid table 14th was a shame.
	Georgia	Only country that decided to throw in some metal inspired riffage.  A sort of Goth meets cartoon costume designer oddity that allowed the guitarists to cut some axe based shapes which made them look even sillier than normal.  Song and setup didn’t match.  Still it managed a flattering 9th.

 

As Eurovisions go this was rather a dull affair with only a few even attempting anything ‘avant garde’, thank you Moldova.  If say the Greeks or the Irish had won they’d have to go once again cap in hand to the IMF; it’s almost as if many countries sensing monetary oblivion didn’t want to win and instead opted for the austerity staging.  Azerbaijan might have to dig deep into the oil revenue to pay for 2012.

Eurovision 2101

The annual festival of high camp and low culture sees the Norwegians spending huge amounts of money they probably don’t have, one can only imagine the Greeks must have breathed a huge sigh of relief they didn’t win last year.  Graham Norton stepped into Sir Terry of Wogan’s shoes last year with some aplomb but he was much more low key this year. 

01 Azerbaijan	First transparent back lit number of the night.  Heath and safety must  have had words about the steps.  Pointless dancing bloke. Big, belting attempt at R&B, not bad as Eurovision numbers go.  5th.  145 points.
02 Spain	Leo Sayer’s son has a bunch of dancers dressed as toys prancing about whilst singing about ‘something tiny’.  The repeat due to a member of the audience becoming part of the act didn’t make it any better.  A flattering 15th.  68 points.
03 Norway	Better than their winner from 2009.  One of the clones this year. Il Divo wannabe let down by the librettist as musically not the evenings worst.   Who could have predicted the key change and fireworks?  Not as bad as position suggests.  20th.  35 points.
04 Moldova	Electro Pop Eurofodder.  If in doubt ‘groin pump’’.  Blokes look like time travelling 80’s hair dressers accompanied by fetish ballet dancer meets Pris from Bladerunner.  A deserving 22nd.  27 points.
05 Cyprus	Bringing in an Irish ringer didn’t help.  With all the gaffer tape it looks like his guitar was broken on the flight over.  Dull.  Surprise, surprise; 12 points from Greece.  Another deserving result at 21st.   27 points.
06 Bosnia and Herzegovina	Backing singers in grey.  Him in Red Harry Potter logo jacket, self love in evidence too.  Predictable as only a Euro Rock power ballad can be and why put the guitar down after making such a song and dance about it.  17th.  15 points.
07 Belgium	Jack Johnson without the Jack or the Johnson.  Musically like the country as everyone travels through it to get somewhere else.  There is no god as this was 6th.  143 points.
08 Serbia	Botox, cheek implants and a hair cut from his mum.  Faux Spinal Tap tubes.  More pointless bloke dancers.  Strippers hired to make up the numbers.  Musically regional and what Eurovision is and should be about.  Mid table is about right at 13th.  72 points.
09 Belarus	Robert Wells turns out to be Swedish, go figure.  Another clone.  Attractive backing singers didn’t move because they sprouted wings.  Not a great song. Deserved better just for the mechanical apparel.  24th.  18 points.
10 Ireland	Previous winner although you’d never know.  By the numbers Irish ballad with the pipes nailing the stereotype.  Should have taken up Justin Collins on his better offer.  Super glued to the floor for some reason.  Has Europe fallen out of love with the ex Eurovision power house?  23rd.  25 points.
11 Greece	As usual the Greeks buck the events musical trend.  Bound to haunt the dance floors of Club Med for at least a week.  The usual scantly clad lovelies were absent due to obvious budget constraints leaving us with blokes in white boiler suits and black boots.  Still a very flattering and economy saving 8th.  140 points.
12 United Kingdom	A surprisingly weak Stock and Waterman offering.  Another male clone who on a different night might have done better.  Not helped by flat backing singers and ho-hum staging.  Not a great song but didn’t deserve last place. 25th.  10 points.
13 Georgia	The wind machine makes it’s self know for the first time.  Hugely over staged cookie cutter ballad with lots of big gob singing.  She even winked at the camera.  One observer asked if she had a ‘tash!  A block vote 9th.  136 points.
14 Turkey	Big in Europe, apparently.  Another Euro rock cliché.  Lot’s of PVC.  Mrs Stig with an angle grinder for some reason.  Enough strobe lights to give us all photo sensitive epilepsy.  The world has obviously gone wrong at 2nd.  170 points.
15 Albania	A few bars of Muse then she wants to be Alison Goldfrapp but soon proves it’s just a run of mill disco number.  Odd costume and odder Charlie’s Angels hair.  Lower mid table about right at 16th.  62 points.
16 Iceland	A big as volcano with a dress to match. Why a French title we’re never told.  Remember the spaceport scene from Total Recall.   Recognise anyone?  It also seems Kerry Katona has found a new job as a backing singer.  19th.  41 points.
17 Ukraine	Monk cape can’t disguise the fact the dress lets through more light than a plate glass window.  Musically better than the down beat lyrics.  Her lonely stage presence suggests they blew the budget last year.  Block voting made it 10th.  108 points.
18 France	Lowest denominator lyric mixed with half price world cup anthem as our Gallic chums cleverly try to shoe in one song for two events.   Lots of booty shaking can’t hide the barrel scraping.   Should have done a lot worse, a thoroughly undeserved 12th.  82 points.
19 Romania	Perspex double piano not as impressive upon closer inspection.  Catchy number with hint of opera.  On balance probably the best of the evening and should have won for the leather cat suit alone.  Not enough block vote buddies at 3rd.  162 points.
20 Russia	Lost and Forgotten?  Let’s hope so.  Dragged from a Moscow vodka den and pushed on stage at the last minute.  Budget so constrained couldn’t even manage the cost of the photo he was warbling on about.  Something very fishy as it was 11th.  90 points.
21 Armenia	Bolted in bustier then skimped on the jeans and shoes.  Thought the prop was a giant clam not a genetically modified apricot.  Lord of Rings pretensions.  Upper table position about right at 7th.  141 points.
22 Germany	Hint of Avril Lavigne, drop of Bjork then diluted enough to make a Homoeopathist happy.  Weak pop song propped with early hook that always does well at Eurovision.  With Germany bankrolling much of the Euro Zone votes more of a thank you for that rather than Lena.  It shouldn’t have but was 1st. 246 points.
23 Portugal	They’ve never won Eurovision and this continues that tradition.  Leona Lewis cast off.  Great dress but concentrating on the frock rather than the song was a mistake.  One of the evening’s weaker efforts that is flattered by 18th.  43 points.
24Israel	One of a number of clones built from the DNA of the bloke from Norway.  A thankfully short number that started dull and rose to a crescendo of dull.  The far end of the Med usually sends much better than this.  Ten places more than is deserved at 14th.  71 points.
25 Denmark	Sting will be consulting his lawyer about the opening melody.  She blundered through the start and he looked like the lost member of a 80’s prog rock band.  Monster heels  and still she only looked where his gold medallion might have been.  More predictable wind machine and fireworks.  Fortunately not long enough to have anyone killed.  More evidence for the lack of a deity at 4th.  149 points.

Overall not up to the usual high camp we’ve come to expect with Eurovision and aficionados might even call it a little dull, who’d have guessed the economic gloom across Europe would have been reflected in the largely cut price offerings the various members sent to Oslo.  Still it didn’t stop the usual block votes and the predictable twelve points for the diaspora next door.  Makes you almost wish for Lordi. 

Eurovision 2009.

Another year another Eurovision but this year was different.  Graham Norton stepped into Sir Terry of Wogan’s shoes and did a sterling job, the Russians spend a whopping thirty three million Euros using apparently the worlds supply of LED panels to create the stage.

As is the tradition here’s a brief overview of the runners and riders.

01	Lithuania	Bloke in hat sings Will Young album filler. Instantly forgettable which is why you can’t remember it can you? Deserved all of its 23 points. 23rd.
02	Israel	The Middle East problem sorted by girl on girl action and biscuit tins. As everything else has been tried why not Sappho and digestives? 53 points. 16th.
03	France	As Mr Norton commented French song done by the numbers. Very angst, very minimal, very average, very thin. Apparently a big star in Russia which probably accounts for the 107 points. 8th.
04	Sweden	Trained opera voice that can’t cope with pop. Almost looked like a drag act despite the failure to find the makeup department. Vocal gymnastics in an expensive dress which wasn’t saved by the Scandinavian block vote. 33 points. 21st.
05	Croatia	Smooth chap in black. Backing singing hunnies braving a wind machine without shoes. Worked right up to the point the blonde started howling. If he’d been on his own he’d have got more than 45 points. 18th.
06	Portugal	Portuguese Adele that wasn’t half bad. Sunny. Lots of smiling from the band. Big plus as one of the guys had a ukulele too. Best up to this point. Deserved far better than 57 points. 15th.
07	Iceland	Very pretty although not sure about the frock. Not a bad ballad either and she has a great voice. Very Swiftain (Taylor not Jonathon). Better than the Norwegian entry. 218 points. 2nd.
08	Greece	Greeks always take Eurovision seriously, this time with a Euro beat John Barrowman clone, catchy. Remix club fodder for sure. 120 points. 7th.
09	Armenia	Sisters. Song clashed with the set and costumes. Oddly melodic though. Mid table is about right with 92 points. 10th.
10	Russia	If her father is a billionaire surely they could have done better than a shower curtain for a dress. Aging video very clever but song wasn’t up to much. Over produced and shouty. Locals of course loved it. KGB might have something to say about the 91 points. 11th.
11	Azerbaijan	Typical big Eurovision number with eye candy. Camera stuck to her not him…wonder why? Although he has the voice. More wind machine based shenanigans which garnered a staggering 207 points. 3rd.
12	Bosnia & Herzegovina	The lost cast of Les Mis. Lots of posing making up for a rather so-so song. Overly generous 106 points. 9th.
13	Moldova	Silly dancing. Shouting and general running about in native costume. Or I assume it was native costume otherwise what was the point? Not sure how it managed 69 points. 14th.
14	Malta	Good singer given a rather bland song. Poor girl deserved far better than this particularly as she has competed before although it might be for the last time with 31 points. 22nd.
15	Estonia	Interesting song. Great looking girls including a very good looking singer. Lots of men across Europe ensured they got 129 points. 6th.
16	Denmark	Rowan Keating wrote this and it shows even down to the guy sounding like him. He can sing too although he stood like he had rickets, maybe he does and I shouldn’t have pointed it out. Not sure how Rowan feels about 74 points. 13th.
17	Germany	Lederhosen meets Rickie Martin with odd silver trousers. Annoying slightly catchy number trying to find a 007 vibe. Dita Von Teese made this for me but alas her undoubted charms can’t manage more than 35 points. 20th.
18	Turkey	Usual Turkish fusion Euro entry. Shakira copy with plenty of belly dancing and drum beats. How it managed such a high placing has to be down to the amount of flesh on display. A travesty it managed 177 points. 4th.
19	Albania	Barbie meets Abe Sapien with two guys going to fancy dress as the Joker. Song was cookie cutter Euro pap. Upon reflection rather creepy staging considering the age of the singer. 48 points. 17th.
20	Norway	No idea why this was the bookies fav. Caterpillars for eyebrows. Where did the walk on blondes come from? Musically paper thin and tried hint of country avec the fiddle. An unworthy winner with an even more unworthy high score of 387 points. 1st.
21	Ukraine	What Eurovision is all about. Tasteless, disco wannabe, Gladiator meets porn…almost, hint of bondage, pyrotechnics and silicon enhanced. Not sure why but they got value for money with 76 points. 12th
22	Romania	Aztec Amazonian blend came over rather bland. Singers costume held together by double sided tape but not enough it seems to get more than 40 points. 19th.
23	United Kingdom	Andrew Lloyd Webber written and accompanied. Jade has a great voice but ALW had knocked together a rather safe by the numbers musical filler. The Spanish loved it as did the Greeks. Well deserved 173 points. 5th.
24	Finland	Not Lordi. Thankfully. Upbeat and the girls look great although vocally they were a mixed bunch. Too confusing with the rapping, flame jugglers and braziers from picket lines. No Scandinavian solidarity with 22 points. 25th.
25	Spain	Sarah Harding’s sister goes Iberian. Even though it was a by stock Euro friendly song it didn’t warrant the lamentable 23 points. 23rd.

Eurovision 2008 – Love thy neighbour

Another evening dominated by block voting and proof if any was needed that we have little in common musically with the rest of the Europe…well the one’s who bother to turn up for Eurovision.  Sir Terry of Wogan was his usual brilliant self but if he stops presenting the event, as he hinted, it’ll be time for UK to bail as well.  

The hosts, Jovana Janković and Željko Joksimović, were the typical cookie cutter duo but despite the faux flirting and look-we’re-mates really act her nasal drone was like finger nails down a blackboard.  <shudders>

So here his my annual run down of the runners and riders, sadly it was all a bit predictable.

Romania – 45 Points – 20th

Going first is always tough.  Bloke on Steinway with his balladeering chum which suddenly added a Celine Dion wannabe, he sang…rather well actually, she just screeched and what what the backing singers for?

Great Britain – 14 Points – 25th

Andy Abraham came second in Pop Idol and put in a high energy performance, the lad can sing too.  The best entry we’ve had in ages.  If there was any justice he’d be in the top three.  If he’d been born in the Balkans he’d have won.

Albania – 55 Points – 17th

Belly button and wind machines.  Forgettable ballad based fodder.

German – 14 Points – 23th

Teutonic babes…apparently.  One of them, it might have been more was a tad flat, actually all of them were .  Short skirts and big hair don’t make up for this wall of howling Germanic nonsense.  Proof Germans do have a sense of humour…then again maybe not.

Armenia – 199 Points – 4th

Good old nose flutes, smoke, and as Terry mentioned gyrating ‘eejits’.  What on earth were they for?  Catchy tune and the singer a bit of a hunny, a transparent attempt to curry favour with Dads of eastern Europe.  It worked too.

Bosnia Herzegovina – 110 Points – 10th

Song title mean ‘experimental’…they weren’t kidding.  Brides of Frankenstein met Andy Pandy and Lubi Loo.  Weird but the block vote helped.  Song not as bad as the act would suggest.

Israel – 124 Points – 9th

Terry reckons their best entry for some time.  No pyro, no daft dancers, just some Boyzone backing singers…I take the daft dancing comment back.  Great voice.

Finland – 35 Points – 22nd

More Gothic Rock…hey of it worked once.   I didn’t know Orlando Bloom played bass.  Maybe next year the Finns will go the whole hog and give us some Death Metal.

Croatia – 44 Points – 21st

Men in hats or Goodfellas do Eurovision.  Cavorting lady in red dress, the old boy in the white seemed to forget where he was and shouted a lot.   If they were to do a live action version of the Muppets  the search for Statler and Waldorf is over.

Poland – 14 Points – 24th

Terry called her a winsome lovely, I’m not so sure.  Lots of sunbed action…all teeth and tits.  And what a set of teeth they were.  She moved like she starred in Mars Attacks, if you saw it you’d understand.  Mrs C called her the ‘ack ‘ack lady.  She can sing but this was the wrong song.

Iceland – 64 Points – 14th

Euro pop fodder.  So cliche and formulaic it hurt and as about Icelandic as tropical fruit cocktails.  Straight to remix disco heaven.  The country has no trees you know. 

Turkey – 138 Points – 7th

Someone in Constantinople has been listening to the Indy Brit Rock.  Oh sweet irony.  Not seen the Turks rock before.  Bass player liked to punch the air a bit too much, which make me wonder if he was actually playing.  I liked this as it happens.

Portugal – 69 Points – 13th

There’s a phrase about things not being over and it suited this lady quite well.  Was that Ben Grimm on backing vocals? Good effort though.

Latvia – 83 Points – 12th

Pirates of the Caribbean meets Euro Pop.  Just appalling.  Who ever cooked up this rubbish should be made to walk the plank.  The placing highlights all that is wrong with this competition.

Sweden – 47 Points – 18th

Odd looking blonde, lot’s of surgery me thinks.  The backing singers looked better.  Euro friendly pop number.  She distracted from the song which was a pity.

Denmark – 60 Points – 15th

Catchy number, cockney barrow boy look.  Good effort from the Danes who benefited from the Scandinavian block voting.

Georgia – 83 Points – 11th

Edward Sissorhands look.  She sang ‘why?’ we asked the same question regards the daft dancers behind her.  Not bad but a the song but maybe a bit down beat for Eurovision.  Nifty colour change in the middle.

Ukraine – 230 Points – 2nd

Babe in revealing costume is always a winner.  Kylie with a sun tan.  She sings, she dances and has great legs.  Another one for the ‘Dads’.  So Eastern block friendly it was always going to be in the top five.

France – 47 Points – 19th

Golf cart and bearded backing singers.  Did he get helium from the blow up globe at one point?  Too Avant garde?  Too French?  If health and safety would have allowed I’m sure he’d have lit up a Gauloise. 

Azerbaijan – 132 Points – 8th

Angel costumes.  The Devil.  Lot of unharmonious screeching.  No clue what the hell it was about.  8th was more flattering than they ever deserved.  We can justifiably shake our heads in resignation.

Greece – 213 Points – 3rd

Zorba meets Mariah.  Cute too.  The Greeks seem to stick to the tried and trusted formula of leggy babe shaking her stuff.  Imagine my surprise when Cyprus gave them 12 points.

Spain – 55 Points – 16th

Ridiculous novelty number.  Fisher Price look and silly wig made him look like a reject from Lazy Town.  Utter tosh of the first order.

Serbia – 160 Points – 6th

Predicable big cheers for the home team.  Touch of the Irish, not sure what was going on with the staging, not sure they did either oh and of course their was a hint of wind machine.  Cookie cutter ballad.

Russia – 272 Points  – 1st

Forgot his shoes.  What was Michael Flatley on ice skates all about?  Not the best song of the evening but won the vote from all those who were once part of the CCCP. 

Norway – 182 Points – 5th

Suzanne Shaw look-a-like who can sing better.  Bridget Jones does Eurovision.  Good song, good voice too.   Good outside bet and a Scandinavian block vote winner.

Musically this Eurovision was better than the previous ones, but it was all for nought when you look at the scores, the Balkan, Baltic and Scandinavian block vote saw to that, and you have to ask why we and the other western European countries contribute to an event which has turned into a love in between nations which not so long ago wanted nothing more than to shot, bomb and generally do each other a disservice.  Why even bother with the singing and just go to the voting, bet you the outcome would be no different.  The time has come to rethink taking part.

Oh and who were the &%$ were the ‘shouty’ cretins who reported from the so called Green Room…I hope some one told them that having microphones means you don’t have to shout.

Eurovision – The Sordid Truth

Eurovision.  A verbal hand grenade to throw at a Eurosceptic?  Aural torture for anyone with a drop of musical sensibility?  A object lesson of all that is right and wrong about the notion of a single entity called Europe.  Yep all of these but it’s also hugely entertaining in a OMG sort way and makes a great excuse to get your mates and take them on as much of a culinary roadtrip around Europe as your local supermarket will allow.  Not sure we made it out of France.

Sir Terry of Wogan was his usual brilliant self.

So here is my take on the runner and riders for this years Eurovision and if you’re asking about the capitialisation of the names it’s theres not mine.

Bosnia & Herzegovina.  Maria ŠESTIĆ, Rijeka Bez Imena

Greek maidens?  Not sure about the frock. Going first is a tough call. And who was the fella with the bazuki, it wasn’t amplified.  Forgettable song.

11th with 106 points.

Spain, D’NASH, I Love You Mi Vida

Thrusting fellas in white.  Spains answer to Take That only 10 years too late.  Two birds at the back pretending to play the drums.  Bland, vaguely catchy Euro pop.

20th with 43 points.

Belarus, Koldun, Work Your Magic

Bond sounding intro and breaks.  Top notch babes at the back.  Lots of fake tan…even on his chest for Lordi’s sake.  Nasal power ballard.

6th with 145 points.

Ireland,  DERVISH, They Can’t Stop The Spring

Cliche Irish pipe pap.  Out of tune singing. Is this the best the Irish could muster? The Irish Euro magic is gone. Deserved last place.

24th with 5 points.

Finland, Hanna PAKARINEN, Leave Me Alone

More hardish rock attitude from the Finns.  Good looking singer.  Even had a bit of a guitar break.  Not great.

17th with 53 points.

Former Yugoslav Republic 0f Macedonia, Karolina,  Mojot Svet

 

Hunny with legs as Terry mentioned, he wasn’t joking.  Pointless dancers as we were all watching Karolina.  The song touched all the right Euro buttons.

14th with 73 points.

Slovenia, Alenka GOTAR, Cvet Z Juga

Leather bustier with operatic pretensions.  Sung everyone of the stage up to this point with her opera warble.  She even had LEDs in her hand for a funky lighting effect. 

15th with  66 points.

Hungary, Magdi RÚZSA, Unsubstantial Blues

The Vizslas should have liked this.  Bluesy number…more commercial US than Euro pop and the better for it.  Even had a witty t-shirt.  Best up to this point but never likely to win.

9th with 128 points.

Lithuania, 4FUN, Love Or Leave

For some reason there was no press photo, maybe they’re camera shy.

Moody offering, again not your standard Euro pap/pop offering.  Slight Spanish guitar feel.  Not sure if her strumming the guitar made any difference.

21st with 28 points.

Greece, Sarbel,  Yassou Maria

Euro Ricky Martin Grecian mish mash.  The Greeks going for the girls in tiny skirt approach again. Predictable.

7th with 139 points.

Georgia, Sopho, Visionary Dream

Slinky red dress and a ton or red body paint.  Second faintly Bondian tune.  Even a bit of sword play thrown in.  Will resurface sampled in some obscure Dance track. 

12th with 97 points.

Sweden, THE ARK,The Worrying Kind

Big star in Sweden apparently.  Bit rock and roll.  Someone has just seem some old Sweet footage then some pictures of failed Euro wannabe Justin Hawkins. 

18th with 51 points.

France, LES FATALS PICARDS, L’amour À La Française

The Deadly Captains of the USS Enterprise?

French comedy number, so not actually funny.   The French taking the Le Piss out of themselves for the first time but was it was ever so slightly crap.

22nd with 19 points.

Latvia, BONAPARTI.LV, Questa Notte

Latvians singing in Italian…it can mean only one thing…some attempt at operatic rock ballard…dull, dull, dull.  Top hats and roses.  WTF?

16th with 54 points.

Russia, SEREBRO,Song #1

Three Russian hunnies.  The Tatu school girl thing is obviously still big thing in the ex Sov Block.  Lyrically more sex than a porn film.  Pop hook.

3rd with 207 points.

Germany, Roger CICERO, Frauen Regier’n Die Welt

 

Dress in white to try evoke the swing cool.  Should have sung in English from the start.  Good effort by the Germans and deserved better.

19th with 49 points.

 Serbia, Marija ŠERIFOVIĆ, Molitva

Decent voice shame about the song; a by the numbers power ballard.  Faintly Sapphic backing singers, the blonds had weird ’60s hair too.  Thanks to the Balkan block vote this won. 

1st with 268 points.

Ukraine ,Verka SERDUCHKA, Dancing Lasha Tumbai

Christopher Biggins in drag with a star on his head, everyone  else covered in bacofoil.  Euro beat which almost everyone else had shunned.  It was shit.

2nd with 235 points.

United Kingdom, SCOOCH, Flying The Flag (For You)

The High Life inspired pop stuff.  The UK playing the Euro card for the first time in a while.  How tight were the girls skirts?  Some great humour…especially the lozenge gag!  Did not deserve the low placing but we were fortunately rescued by Malta. 

Would give Pif Paf Pof a run for it’s money.

23rd with 19 points.

Romania, TODOMONDO, Liubi, Liubi, I Love You

NO idea what the Romanians were doing here…bad is a very bad way.  Proof that the Euro voters have the musical parts of their brains removed.

13th with 84 points.

Bulgaria, Elitsa TODOROVA & Stoyan YANKOULOV, Water

Wind machines and drums.  Almost too national to appeal to the Euro masses.  Lots of high energy druming.   As drums and flames seemed to a common theme they were on the right path.

5th with 157 points.

Turkey, Kenan DOĞULU, Shake It Up, Shekerim

British belly dancers by all accounts.  Looked like Chris M0yles before he took to endless curry and beer.  Forgettable. 

4th with 163 points.

Armenia, Hayko, Anytime You Need

More wind, pipes and drums.  Fake tree with bits of ripped shirt as decorations.  Crooning nonsense.  Terrible.  Good shot by the sniper at the end though.

8th with 138 points.

Moldova, Natalia BARBU, Fight

More fright than fight.  Violins+cod pieces+leather+rock+screaming=&*^%$.

10th with 109 points.

Eurovision is not really a song contest anymore, some might say it never has been, but with Balkan block voting now becoming more predicable than the Nordic vote or that Cyprus will give Greece it’s 12 points it’s become nothing more than an opportunity for the Eastern Europeans to prove they still love each other despite the historical turmoil.  Maybe it’s time for the Western Europeans who pay for the event to not send the cheque next year.   Still a good laugh though.