Eurovision 2009.

Another year another Eurovision but this year was different.  Graham Norton stepped into Sir Terry of Wogan’s shoes and did a sterling job, the Russians spend a whopping thirty three million Euros using apparently the worlds supply of LED panels to create the stage.

As is the tradition here’s a brief overview of the runners and riders.

01	Lithuania	Bloke in hat sings Will Young album filler. Instantly forgettable which is why you can’t remember it can you? Deserved all of its 23 points. 23rd.
02	Israel	The Middle East problem sorted by girl on girl action and biscuit tins. As everything else has been tried why not Sappho and digestives? 53 points. 16th.
03	France	As Mr Norton commented French song done by the numbers. Very angst, very minimal, very average, very thin. Apparently a big star in Russia which probably accounts for the 107 points. 8th.
04	Sweden	Trained opera voice that can’t cope with pop. Almost looked like a drag act despite the failure to find the makeup department. Vocal gymnastics in an expensive dress which wasn’t saved by the Scandinavian block vote. 33 points. 21st.
05	Croatia	Smooth chap in black. Backing singing hunnies braving a wind machine without shoes. Worked right up to the point the blonde started howling. If he’d been on his own he’d have got more than 45 points. 18th.
06	Portugal	Portuguese Adele that wasn’t half bad. Sunny. Lots of smiling from the band. Big plus as one of the guys had a ukulele too. Best up to this point. Deserved far better than 57 points. 15th.
07	Iceland	Very pretty although not sure about the frock. Not a bad ballad either and she has a great voice. Very Swiftain (Taylor not Jonathon). Better than the Norwegian entry. 218 points. 2nd.
08	Greece	Greeks always take Eurovision seriously, this time with a Euro beat John Barrowman clone, catchy. Remix club fodder for sure. 120 points. 7th.
09	Armenia	Sisters. Song clashed with the set and costumes. Oddly melodic though. Mid table is about right with 92 points. 10th.
10	Russia	If her father is a billionaire surely they could have done better than a shower curtain for a dress. Aging video very clever but song wasn’t up to much. Over produced and shouty. Locals of course loved it. KGB might have something to say about the 91 points. 11th.
11	Azerbaijan	Typical big Eurovision number with eye candy. Camera stuck to her not him…wonder why? Although he has the voice. More wind machine based shenanigans which garnered a staggering 207 points. 3rd.
12	Bosnia & Herzegovina	The lost cast of Les Mis. Lots of posing making up for a rather so-so song. Overly generous 106 points. 9th.
13	Moldova	Silly dancing. Shouting and general running about in native costume. Or I assume it was native costume otherwise what was the point? Not sure how it managed 69 points. 14th.
14	Malta	Good singer given a rather bland song. Poor girl deserved far better than this particularly as she has competed before although it might be for the last time with 31 points. 22nd.
15	Estonia	Interesting song. Great looking girls including a very good looking singer. Lots of men across Europe ensured they got 129 points. 6th.
16	Denmark	Rowan Keating wrote this and it shows even down to the guy sounding like him. He can sing too although he stood like he had rickets, maybe he does and I shouldn’t have pointed it out. Not sure how Rowan feels about 74 points. 13th.
17	Germany	Lederhosen meets Rickie Martin with odd silver trousers. Annoying slightly catchy number trying to find a 007 vibe. Dita Von Teese made this for me but alas her undoubted charms can’t manage more than 35 points. 20th.
18	Turkey	Usual Turkish fusion Euro entry. Shakira copy with plenty of belly dancing and drum beats. How it managed such a high placing has to be down to the amount of flesh on display. A travesty it managed 177 points. 4th.
19	Albania	Barbie meets Abe Sapien with two guys going to fancy dress as the Joker. Song was cookie cutter Euro pap. Upon reflection rather creepy staging considering the age of the singer. 48 points. 17th.
20	Norway	No idea why this was the bookies fav. Caterpillars for eyebrows. Where did the walk on blondes come from? Musically paper thin and tried hint of country avec the fiddle. An unworthy winner with an even more unworthy high score of 387 points. 1st.
21	Ukraine	What Eurovision is all about. Tasteless, disco wannabe, Gladiator meets porn…almost, hint of bondage, pyrotechnics and silicon enhanced. Not sure why but they got value for money with 76 points. 12th
22	Romania	Aztec Amazonian blend came over rather bland. Singers costume held together by double sided tape but not enough it seems to get more than 40 points. 19th.
23	United Kingdom	Andrew Lloyd Webber written and accompanied. Jade has a great voice but ALW had knocked together a rather safe by the numbers musical filler. The Spanish loved it as did the Greeks. Well deserved 173 points. 5th.
24	Finland	Not Lordi. Thankfully. Upbeat and the girls look great although vocally they were a mixed bunch. Too confusing with the rapping, flame jugglers and braziers from picket lines. No Scandinavian solidarity with 22 points. 25th.
25	Spain	Sarah Harding’s sister goes Iberian. Even though it was a by stock Euro friendly song it didn’t warrant the lamentable 23 points. 23rd.

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