Eurovision – The Sordid Truth

Eurovision.  A verbal hand grenade to throw at a Eurosceptic?  Aural torture for anyone with a drop of musical sensibility?  A object lesson of all that is right and wrong about the notion of a single entity called Europe.  Yep all of these but it’s also hugely entertaining in a OMG sort way and makes a great excuse to get your mates and take them on as much of a culinary roadtrip around Europe as your local supermarket will allow.  Not sure we made it out of France.

Sir Terry of Wogan was his usual brilliant self.

So here is my take on the runner and riders for this years Eurovision and if you’re asking about the capitialisation of the names it’s theres not mine.

Bosnia & Herzegovina.  Maria ŠESTIĆ, Rijeka Bez Imena

Greek maidens?  Not sure about the frock. Going first is a tough call. And who was the fella with the bazuki, it wasn’t amplified.  Forgettable song.

11th with 106 points.

Spain, D’NASH, I Love You Mi Vida

Thrusting fellas in white.  Spains answer to Take That only 10 years too late.  Two birds at the back pretending to play the drums.  Bland, vaguely catchy Euro pop.

20th with 43 points.

Belarus, Koldun, Work Your Magic

Bond sounding intro and breaks.  Top notch babes at the back.  Lots of fake tan…even on his chest for Lordi’s sake.  Nasal power ballard.

6th with 145 points.

Ireland,  DERVISH, They Can’t Stop The Spring

Cliche Irish pipe pap.  Out of tune singing. Is this the best the Irish could muster? The Irish Euro magic is gone. Deserved last place.

24th with 5 points.

Finland, Hanna PAKARINEN, Leave Me Alone

More hardish rock attitude from the Finns.  Good looking singer.  Even had a bit of a guitar break.  Not great.

17th with 53 points.

Former Yugoslav Republic 0f Macedonia, Karolina,  Mojot Svet

 

Hunny with legs as Terry mentioned, he wasn’t joking.  Pointless dancers as we were all watching Karolina.  The song touched all the right Euro buttons.

14th with 73 points.

Slovenia, Alenka GOTAR, Cvet Z Juga

Leather bustier with operatic pretensions.  Sung everyone of the stage up to this point with her opera warble.  She even had LEDs in her hand for a funky lighting effect. 

15th with  66 points.

Hungary, Magdi RÚZSA, Unsubstantial Blues

The Vizslas should have liked this.  Bluesy number…more commercial US than Euro pop and the better for it.  Even had a witty t-shirt.  Best up to this point but never likely to win.

9th with 128 points.

Lithuania, 4FUN, Love Or Leave

For some reason there was no press photo, maybe they’re camera shy.

Moody offering, again not your standard Euro pap/pop offering.  Slight Spanish guitar feel.  Not sure if her strumming the guitar made any difference.

21st with 28 points.

Greece, Sarbel,  Yassou Maria

Euro Ricky Martin Grecian mish mash.  The Greeks going for the girls in tiny skirt approach again. Predictable.

7th with 139 points.

Georgia, Sopho, Visionary Dream

Slinky red dress and a ton or red body paint.  Second faintly Bondian tune.  Even a bit of sword play thrown in.  Will resurface sampled in some obscure Dance track. 

12th with 97 points.

Sweden, THE ARK,The Worrying Kind

Big star in Sweden apparently.  Bit rock and roll.  Someone has just seem some old Sweet footage then some pictures of failed Euro wannabe Justin Hawkins. 

18th with 51 points.

France, LES FATALS PICARDS, L’amour À La Française

The Deadly Captains of the USS Enterprise?

French comedy number, so not actually funny.   The French taking the Le Piss out of themselves for the first time but was it was ever so slightly crap.

22nd with 19 points.

Latvia, BONAPARTI.LV, Questa Notte

Latvians singing in Italian…it can mean only one thing…some attempt at operatic rock ballard…dull, dull, dull.  Top hats and roses.  WTF?

16th with 54 points.

Russia, SEREBRO,Song #1

Three Russian hunnies.  The Tatu school girl thing is obviously still big thing in the ex Sov Block.  Lyrically more sex than a porn film.  Pop hook.

3rd with 207 points.

Germany, Roger CICERO, Frauen Regier’n Die Welt

 

Dress in white to try evoke the swing cool.  Should have sung in English from the start.  Good effort by the Germans and deserved better.

19th with 49 points.

 Serbia, Marija ŠERIFOVIĆ, Molitva

Decent voice shame about the song; a by the numbers power ballard.  Faintly Sapphic backing singers, the blonds had weird ’60s hair too.  Thanks to the Balkan block vote this won. 

1st with 268 points.

Ukraine ,Verka SERDUCHKA, Dancing Lasha Tumbai

Christopher Biggins in drag with a star on his head, everyone  else covered in bacofoil.  Euro beat which almost everyone else had shunned.  It was shit.

2nd with 235 points.

United Kingdom, SCOOCH, Flying The Flag (For You)

The High Life inspired pop stuff.  The UK playing the Euro card for the first time in a while.  How tight were the girls skirts?  Some great humour…especially the lozenge gag!  Did not deserve the low placing but we were fortunately rescued by Malta. 

Would give Pif Paf Pof a run for it’s money.

23rd with 19 points.

Romania, TODOMONDO, Liubi, Liubi, I Love You

NO idea what the Romanians were doing here…bad is a very bad way.  Proof that the Euro voters have the musical parts of their brains removed.

13th with 84 points.

Bulgaria, Elitsa TODOROVA & Stoyan YANKOULOV, Water

Wind machines and drums.  Almost too national to appeal to the Euro masses.  Lots of high energy druming.   As drums and flames seemed to a common theme they were on the right path.

5th with 157 points.

Turkey, Kenan DOĞULU, Shake It Up, Shekerim

British belly dancers by all accounts.  Looked like Chris M0yles before he took to endless curry and beer.  Forgettable. 

4th with 163 points.

Armenia, Hayko, Anytime You Need

More wind, pipes and drums.  Fake tree with bits of ripped shirt as decorations.  Crooning nonsense.  Terrible.  Good shot by the sniper at the end though.

8th with 138 points.

Moldova, Natalia BARBU, Fight

More fright than fight.  Violins+cod pieces+leather+rock+screaming=&*^%$.

10th with 109 points.

Eurovision is not really a song contest anymore, some might say it never has been, but with Balkan block voting now becoming more predicable than the Nordic vote or that Cyprus will give Greece it’s 12 points it’s become nothing more than an opportunity for the Eastern Europeans to prove they still love each other despite the historical turmoil.  Maybe it’s time for the Western Europeans who pay for the event to not send the cheque next year.   Still a good laugh though.